The Green Eyed Monster

Jealousy vs Envy

Envy = seeing or sensing that someone has something that you don’t have but would like to have e.g. “she has a great body.  I wish I looked like that”

Envy involves:

1. The Envier
2. The Envied

Jealousy = takes envy one step further.  When we feel jealous, we see or sense that someone has something we don’t and because of that we fear we’ll lose connection with our primary person “she has such a great body.  He’ll never want to stay with me, if he sees her looking like that”

Jealousy involves:

1. The Envier
2. The Envied
3. The person in relationship with the Envier

Jealousy is about:

• Feeling left out, without the sense that you have control or power to influence the people who matter to you
• The Fear of being replaced
• Worrying someone else will take what you have
• Ironically we tend to be most jealous of people who have traits similar to some of our own most prized traits e.g. if you have a great sense of humour and are known for being witty, your jealousy may feel more acute if your partner is attracted to someone else with a similarly great sense of humour

Signs of Unhealthy Jealous Behaviours

• Checking your partners phone or email without permission
• Insulting your partner
• Assuming your partner is not attracted to you
• Grilling your partner on their whereabouts during the day
• Accusing your partner of lying without any evidence

1. Painful Experiences in your Past

• Talk to your partner about these experiences
• Be mindful of each others triggers
• Respect each others positions

1. Low Self Esteem and/or Poor Self-Image

These can make it hard to ‘believe’ that your partner does love and value you

1. Unrealistic Expectations about the Relationship

It’s not healthy for partners to spend 100% of their time together… “You need spaces in your togetherness to sustain your bond”(Kahil Gibran)

Remember: Feelings are not Facts

• Are you imagining things that aren’t really there?
• Ask yourself ‘Is that so?’ ‘Is it really happening?’
• If the answer is ‘no’ let go of the negative thoughts but acknowledge them before dismissing them
• If the answer is ‘yes’ then tell your partner how you feel before your jealousy turns into resentment.  When you bring it up stick to ‘I’ statements, and avoid saying things like “you always” or “you never”…Talk about your feelings about the specific situation and avoid blanket statements about your partners character.  Say what you need not what you don’t need e.g. “I feel anxious when I don’t know where you are or who you’re with when you’re out.  I need you to text me and let me know”
• Boundary Setting – if you’re not sure about boundaries, ask yourself “How would I feel if I heard my partner having this kind of conversation with someone else?”  If it would hurt, then a boundary is being crossed.

The Fridge Analogy

One morning you walk into your kitchen and find a puddle on the floor.  All your frozen foods are lying in a gooey mess in the freezer.  What do you do once you’ve cleaned it all up?

1. Fix the fridge
2. Replace the fridge
3. Leave the fridge where it is and change your life around the problem e.g. “From this day forward I will bring no frozen or refrigerated foods into this house”

What does No.3 actually mean?

It means saying “I know that I am feeling jealous.  I know that the jealousy is brought about by some other emotion, some emotion that is triggered by the action that makes me jealous.  I need to figure out what that other emotion is and I need to figure out why I am triggered by that emotion”

For the Partner of ‘the Jealous One’:

• Consider what is behind their anxiety and anger – is it a fear that they might lose you?  Does it relate to an unmet need of theirs e.g. wanting to spend more quality time with you and seeing you choosing instead to spend it with someone else, whether a work colleague or a friend?  Does it relate to something that happened to them in the past with a previous partner e.g a partner who cheated on them?  Do they perhaps need a little more reassurance through your presence and love?
• Try and understand their triggers e.g. hearing about a former lover, being around attractive people, showing an interest in talking to someone 
• Review your own behaviour – are you perhaps giving them undue cause to worry about what you are up to?
• Be prepared to talk and negotiate on what is acceptable to the both of you
• Ask what your partner needs more of to feel reassured and soothed (and take the opportunity to share with them what you need too!)