Financial ‘Infidelity’
What Does Money Mean to You?
- Love and Connection
- Security
- Something Else
What is Money About for You?
- Enjoying myself (which often involves spending money) is what gives life meaning
- Building up a ‘nest egg’ for future generations to enjoy
- Something Else
What Does Money Represent for You?
- Freedom
- A ‘Tool’ for Being Able to Get Things Done
- Negative Associations e.g. Guilt/Fear
- Sense of Self-Worth
- Outward Display of Wealth
- Something Else
Have You Ever Concealed Any Spending and Then Had It Come to Light?
If So, How Did You Feel About Hiding Something From Your Partner?
How Did You Feel When it Eventually Came to Light?
Financial Values
Couples can attribute vastly different values where it comes to money but in general, financial values exist on a spectrum between ‘spending’ and ‘saving.’
In every relationship, there is usually one person who is orientated towards ‘saving’ and another who is orientated towards ‘spending.’ This is true both with people who are ‘freer’ in spending their money as well as couples who generally try to save. On the surface they may appear aligned around what they’re doing with money, yet between themselves still find things to argue about essentially because there is a lack of financial trust.
‘Saver’ Fight e.g.”I thought we had agreed to put x into the Savings account and pay extra off the mortgage payment. We can definitely shave some money off of the grocery budget…that way we can get the house paid off 3 years sooner…”
Spender Fight e.g.”I mean, if we’re going on a European tour, why not add another City to it. Life’s too short. We’ll pay it off soon enough.”
Unsurprisingly then, ‘Financial Infidelity’ can be the source of real trauma in relationships. When couples are frequently fighting about money, communication breaks down. Feelings can be hurt. Trust may be broken. Couples may question whether they are even compatible if they are so ‘far apart’ with their attitudes towards money.
People start to engage in secret behaviours to hide spending or conceal debt; or they may become overly controlling or aggressive towards their partners spending habits. At its most extreme, this can then lead to a splitting up of finances when couples move towards separate bank accounts, which really signals ‘avoidance’ in a relationship (the inability to address and work on the core issues) but also sadly can eventually lead to separate lives.
Different Perspectives
It can be really difficult to see through our own anger, fear or judgement to see where our partner might be coming from. However, the good news is that (if we are willing to work on it), we can learn to ‘reframe’ our couple narrative by reflecting on what our partner’s attitude towards money might mean for us and indeed why it is that our partner is the way they are.
We may have a different perspective to our partner but that doesn’t make one of us ‘right’ and the other ‘wrong,’ rather we just see things differently based on our own experiences and background as well as being driven by our core emotional and psychological needs.
e.g. If we are by nature a ‘Saver,’ perhaps the ‘Spender’ that is our partner can encourage us to be more open to fun and adventures. Maybe we can learn to understand that the reason they are so ‘free’ with their spending is because in their upbringing they never had any money, so now they see it as something to be relished and enjoyed whilst it is there ‘make hay while the sun shines…’So for them, money becomes something that represents pleasure and meaning in the moment because it is not something that can be taken for granted…Maybe when tight constrictions are placed on spending, it can feel stifling and seem that without anything to enjoy or look forward to, life becomes ‘empty’ and/or ‘burdensome.’
If we are the ‘Spender,’ perhaps we can learn to become more ‘conscious’ in our spending through watching how savvy our partner is in their spending. Perhaps we can understand that the reason why our partner gets so anxious about money is because of a family history of having to scrimp and save due to their being so little all of the time – a kind of deeply ingrained ‘survival instinct’ to conserve money. Maybe we can realise that you can still have fun and go out and do things without having to spend loads of money. Perhaps it will even help us to become more thrifty and understand how rewarding it can be to work together to cultivate and build something for the future, not just live in the here and now.
How to Move Towards…
- Develop empathy for what money represents to your partner
- Show willingness to understand your partners perspective by listening to what they have to say and being curious
- Work together to identify a common purpose that unites you as a couple and as a family
- Accept one another for who you are – this is not about ‘changing’ the other person, it’s about working together to understand what is going on