“Guilt can be defined as a self-conscious emotion characterised by an assessment of having done (or thought) something wrong. It can be grouped in with other emotions like grief, loneliness, agony and shame. Coping with guilt takes practice, awareness, reflection and self-forgiveness”
In his book, ‘Guilt, Shame, and Anxiety’ , Peter Breggin compares guilt to a weed in a garden that can easily ruin your crop. It can lead to depression and loss of identity. When we are not on our best form, it sneaks in and ruins our best achievements.
Guilt can also come from the ego. It can be an endless negotiation between our ‘present self’ and our ‘ideal self’. It can be a refusal to accept ‘the present self’ enough to work with the current strengths it has. It can be an indirect way to say that I am bigger than this present self.
Most of us feel guilt from time to time – it’s part of our human nature and completely normal. From guilt about not spending as much time as we’d like with loved ones, saying no to friends or colleagues, to cheating on a partner. And because we’re all unique, we respond to it in different ways.
In its true sense, guilt is a feeling of remorse or sadness over a past action, experienced when we think we’ve caused harm, done something ‘wrong’ or breached our moral code, whether intentionally or accidentally. It’s our moral compass. Our values and how we process our emotions will all inform the way we react to certain situations. So while one person might catastrophise about a situation, another may not think twice about it e.g. a person who believes they are entitled to a higher wage may steal small amounts of money from their boss without ever feeling guilty but a person who finds a wallet and keeps the money inside without making any effort to find the owner may feel guilty for months or even years if they believe the ‘right’ thing to do would’ve been to turn in the wallet.
Guilt isn’t always bad. Sometimes it can even be productive. Feeling bad after making a mistake can inspire a person to apologise, to make changes in their behaviour, or decide to make different choices in the future. All of this can promote empathy and repair relationships. A “guilty pleasure” can describe something harmless a person enjoys even if they feel they shouldn’t or are embarrassed about their tastes.
Types of Guilt
Guilt falls into two categories – healthy, appropriate guilt and unhealthy, irrational guilt, otherwise known as ‘toxic guilt.’
Appropriate Guilt
Although an unpleasant feeling, ‘appropriate’ guilt helps to regulate our social behaviour. Feeling guilty for a justifiable reason is a sign that our conscience and cognitive abilities are working properly to stop us repeating or making mistakes. This gives us the opportunity to learn and change our behaviour in the future.
The perpetual feeling of guilt is known as ‘guilt-proneness’ and people who experience guilt prone-ness are believed to have a strong connection with their own – and others’ – emotions.
Irrational Guilt
The irrational kind – when we mistakenly assume responsibility for a situation, or overestimate the suffering caused – is another matter entirely and can be very damaging if we don’t take steps to resolve it.
Excessive irrational guilt has been linked to mental illnesses, such as anxiety, depression, dysphoria (feelings of constant dissatisfaction) and obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD). It can cause sufferers to believe they’re a burden to their loved ones and those around them. Unchecked guilt can also result in flagging concentration and productivity, low mood, increased stress and lack of sleep. As a result, our relationships, daily actions and overall outlook on life can be badly affected.
GUILT VS SHAME
It isn’t always easy to understand guilt and often guilt gets confused with shame, even though it’s really quite different. Guilt describes a sense of regret or responsibility that relates to actions taken. People may feel guilt over things they actually did wrong, things they believe were their fault, or things they had no responsibility for. Survivor’s guilt, for example, can affect people who survived tragedies when many others died.
Some people experience chronic guilt, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy. This type of guilt can lead to destructive actions instead of positive change. People might also manipulate others with what’s known as a “guilt trip” by using a person’s guilty feelings as a tool to them to do what they want.
Someone who feels guilty about something they did might take steps to correct their mistake, apologize, or otherwise make amends. This usually causes feelings of guilt to decrease.
But shame, which describes a regret or sense of responsibility that relates to the self, can be more difficult to address. It’s not always easy to reduce feelings of shame, especially shame that isn’t fully understood. People sometimes feel ashamed of some part of themselves without knowing why. A person might also feel shame when other people know about actions they feel guilty over.
Shame can cause people to feel unworthy or somehow inadequate. It may lead to isolation, acts of self-punishment, or other potentially harmful behaviours.
| GUILT | SHAME |
| Related to our actions and behaviours | Related, intense painful feeling |
| Focus on moral values | Focuses on our self-worth and feelings of being unloved |
| Natural and healthy response that we feel when we attempt something we shouldn’t | Unhealthy and personal response that we feel when we did something wrong |
TYPES OF GUILT
In general, there are three different types of guilt.
Reactive Guilt: Reactive guilt happens when a person believes they have acted against either their own personal beliefs of what is morally good or the standards society has for acceptable behaviour.
Anticipatory Guilt: This guilt is the result of thinking about acting against personal moral standards or the standards of society. A person may choose not to take a certain action because they know it is wrong or believe it may hurt others.
Existential Guilt: This guilt can be more complicated. Existential guilt can describe a person’s feelings for general injustice, or the idea that “Life isn’t fair.” It can also describe the guilt a person feels for the negative impact they may have on the lives of others.
We might further divide guilt into the following two categories:
Maladaptive Guilt: This kind of guilt often has a negative impact on life. This guilt might include chronic guilt (guilt that relates to shame) and other guilt that leads to mental or emotional distress.
Adaptive or Pro-Social Guilt: This kind of guilt is believed to be helpful, as it relates to a person’s understanding of wrongdoing and responsibility.
GUILT PSYCHOLOGY
People are ‘conditioned’ to feel guilty. Certain factors may make it more likely that a person experiences chronic or excessive guilt. These factors might include their culture, family, or religious upbringing.
Family
A child generally learns about “right” and “wrong” from family members, especially parents. When a child misbehaves, parents will usually express disappointment and issue a consequence. Knowing their parent is disappointed may trigger feelings of regret. The child may want to do whatever they can to win back approval from their parents. Similarly if a parent consistently withholds praise, the child may come to feel that nothing they do is ever good enough. This can lead to a ‘guilt complex,’ persistent guilt over harm a person believes they have caused. They may not in fact have done anything wrong, but they live in fear they will, or believe they are always making mistakes and “can’t do anything right.” A guilt complex can be associated with anxiety and shame.
Culture
When a person’s culture holds that a certain behaviour is wrong, a person may feel guilty even if their own moral code tells them there is nothing wrong with the behaviour. An unmarried person brought up in a culture that discourages sexual relationships outside of marriage may feel guilty when they have sex, even if they believe it’s perfectly fine to have sex without being married.
A guilt culture emphasizes the effects of a person’s behaviour on others and connects this to how that person is viewed by others. When a person’s actions cause others harm or distress, that person loses societal respect, or “face.” Until they make amends, they are often seen as “disgraced” in the eyes of society. In guilt cultures, fixing the mistake, apologizing, and/or somehow making amends can repair the damage.
Religious Beliefs
Some religious traditions emphasize guilt more than others. If a person’s actions aren’t in line with the teachings of the religion, guilt often stems from their belief that a divine power knows their actions and holds them accountable. This often drives a person to confess their wrongs, repent (an action within the self), and do something to fix the wrong.
The idea of a “guilty conscience,” or an internal voice that tells someone when they’ve done wrong, is not strictly religious, but it is often part of religious traditions. A person who feels guilty may be urged by this internal voice to somehow fix their mistake.
Society
Guilt can result from worrying what other people will think about certain beliefs or behaviour. In this way, society can have a big impact on a person’s sense of guilt. Knowing that other people may see and judge actions can affect a person’s choices. This guilt can be a good thing, as it supports the social norms or moral rules people generally follow, such as “It’s wrong to steal” or “If I hit someone’s parked car, I should leave a note with my phone number and name.”
PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS OF GUILT
People with unresolved guilt might feel irritable or always on edge. They may be overly clingy or apologetic.
Feelings of guilt also often manifest as physical symptoms. These might include:
Insomnia or trouble sleeping
An upset stomach, nausea, or other digestive issues
Stomach pain
Muscle tension
Head pain
Tearfulness
So what can we do to stop these feelings spiralling out of control?
- Make amends – be honest and hold yourself accountable.
- Learn from your mistakes
- Know the difference between justifiable and unjustifiable guilt
- Process your guilt with another, whether a therapist or trusted friend
- Challenge your negative thoughts with something positive and fact-based
- Accept and learn to forgive yourself – don’t beat yourself up constantly revisiting past mistakes
- Practice mindfulness – pay attention to the moment. Connecting mind and body can help put your guilt into perspective
- Find ways to relax – whether by listening to your favourite music, reading a book, taking some exercise or even just stepping outside for some fresh air