According to the philosopher and psychotherapist Viktor Frankl, “Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.” In other words, we all have a basic human need to ‘find meaning in life’ even during times of hardship. Therefore a life that lacks meaning can leave us feeling ‘empty.’
Emptiness can leave a person feeling emotionally numb, despondent, isolated and even anxious. Some describe it as being like ‘an empty feeling in their chest.’ People will often try to fill that ‘hole’ by engaging in activities that are at best unfulfilling and at worst even harmful e.g. compulsive shopping, overeating or substance abuse. Unfortunately when these ‘fixes’ or activities are ‘unavailable,’ the lack of them also produces feelings of emptiness, creating a vicious cycle from which it is difficult to break.
Most people will feel a sense of emptiness at some point in their life. Often it can be more than just one cause that is contributing to the feelings.
The emptiness might last a few days and then resolve itself, or it might linger on for weeks or still longer.
It can feel like:
- You don’t have a sense of purpose
- You perceive a lack of meaning in your life
- You’re not happy but you’re not particularly sad either
- If someone were to ask you how you feel, you might say ‘I don’t know’
Uncovering what exactly lies underneath this feeling may not be easy to do but it is the first step towards finding resolution.
How do I identify what lies underneath?
A good starting point is to ask yourself the following questions:
- Have I been judging myself or comparing myself to others?
- Do I tell myself positive things? Or do I tend to notice failures or call myself names?
- Are my feelings being considered in my relationships, or am I minimizing what I am feeling?
- Am I actively tending to my physical and health needs?
- Have I turned toward behaviours or addictions to avoid my feelings?
- Am I focusing solely on the needs of another person or people?
- What am I trying to prove or win?
- Am I blaming myself or feeling guilty about things that are out of my control?
- Am I showing myself compassion like I would with a close friend or family member?
- Am I asserting myself in my decisions and respecting my personal opinions?
Once you know the answers to these questions, you might get a better sense of what is leading to the feeling of ‘emptiness.’ However, there are also other potential causes as examined below.
Depression
Chronic feelings of emptiness or feelings of emotional numbness or despair can sometimes point to a mental health issue, for example depression, where it is usually related to feelings of hopelessness, loss of pleasure, low self-worth and low motivation.
Symptoms of depression include such things as:
- lacking energy and motivation
- persistently feeling sad
- feeling hopeless
- sleeping too much or too little
- not being able to focus
- not being able to enjoy activities or people
- feeling guilty or worthless
In cases where an individual is experiencing consistent and/or overwhelming feelings of emptiness, it may be helpful to speak to a trained professional such as a counsellor.
Loss
However, the feeling of emptiness can also be experienced following any kind of loss, whether as part of bereavement following the death of a loved one, or indeed when another significant life change has occurred, e.g. loss of a job or the end of a relationship. The absence of a person or a sense of purpose and/or structure can leave an individual feeling incredibly lonely and unfulfilled. There is no exact science as to when these feelings might manifest – it might happen immediately after the event or may resurface months or even years later as something that you have not fully dealt with e.g. an unresolved painful experience from your childhood or a felt sense of abandonment by a family member. But even if it feels overwhelming and painful to think or talk about it actually being able to will help you to process and make sense of it so that you can finally move on.
- Acknowledge your loss
- Allow yourself time and space to grieve openly. Grief looks and feels different to everyone, and there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways to do it.
Self-Alienation
Another cause can be self-alienation, which is where you actually feel like a stranger to yourself. You lose touch with yourself and no longer recognise who you are. This sensation usually develops over time as a result of pushing away unwanted emotions rather than trying to deal with them.
Emotions are an important aspect of how we experience ourselves and our lives, yet many of us find it difficult to allow ourselves to have certain feelings, particularly those that we perceive as being ‘negative.’ Anger is one such emotion that we try to bat away because we are conditioned to believe that it is a ‘bad’ emotion. But cutting ourselves off from our feelings, means that they stick around in our heads and eventually cut us off from really being ourselves. This is when we start to feel empty.
We need to feel. We need to experience the full range of our emotions.
This is harder for some of us to do, particularly if we come from families where we were never really encouraged to talk about our feelings, but instead told to ‘man up’ and get on with it.
- Gently recognise and acknowledge your feelings – notice what you are feeling right now, in the moment, e.g. ‘bored,’ ‘distracted’ or ‘curious.’ It might help to pick out one part of your body e.g. your hand or head and scan them for temperature, tension and movement.
- Speak to yourself with compassion when exploring these feelings – for instance “It’s been hard to feel so lonely” or “You’re right, I do need more love” and embrace rather than dismiss your emotions, whatever they are and however challenging they might be.
- Know that although your emotions are not you, they are a reflection of how you are in this moment. They are the road that connects you with your authentic self, the person who cries when you are sad and laughs when you are entertained. It’s that self that is trying to fill that void with meaning, purpose and connection. Meet yourself where you are.
- Stop looking ‘out there’ for your sense of purpose – it exists within you. Develop a strong sense of who you really are. What is your story? Who are you?
Not Taking Care of Yourself
Perhaps looking after others makes you happy. However, if it means that you are pushing aside your own needs and not following your own hopes and desires, this can lead to anxiety, guilt and shame, all of which can bring about that feeling of being empty.
Each of us needs support and care, even you. Indeed, when your needs are fulfilled, you become better placed to help and support those around you.
- Practice good self-care – each day prioritise some time to look after yourself and just be with yourself
- Eating healthy, balanced meals, getting enough sleep and regularly exercising are all part of this. Not eating enough or eating unhealthily and not getting enough quality sleep can amplify any negative feelings you might have
- Meditation, mindfulness and writing can help you to refocus and explore your desires, fears, hopes and dreams
- If you need an extra boost, try speaking to a counsellor. They can help you work through your feelings, uncover the cause of the numbness and empower you to make your own decisions as to how to implement positive change
- Congratulate yourself for doing the best you can with the resources at hand – give yourself credit where credit’s due
Not Having Significant Relationships
Maintaining close and good relationships is the most important aspect of the human experience (as evidenced by The Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest studies about human life). But it is about the quality rather than quantity of relationships.
We all need emotional intimacy, support, active listening, and company. When these are missing in your life, it can lead to feelings of emptiness and loneliness.
- Find meaning in connection with others – talk to a trusted friend or family member about how you are feeling, perhaps even consider joining a support group. If you are able to regularly connect through social engagements, hobbies and mutual interests, so much the better
- Remember that you are not looking for other people to ‘fill the gap,’ or act as a distraction – you are rather looking to use it as an opportunity to be honest and kind with yourself
Feeling ‘Empty’ in Relationships
People often report feeling ‘empty’ or ‘unfulfilled’ in their intimate relationships. This emptiness can come about for a variety of reasons and appear in both short and longer term relationships. Whilst it is perhaps not uncommon to experience a phase of disconnection or emptiness at some point in a longer term relationship, if the feelings persist, there are likely issues that need to be addressed.
Causes of feeling empty in a relationship may include:
- Emotional needs not being met
- Overdependence on a partner to meet all emotional needs
- Lack of emotional connection, quality time or physical connection
- Boredom/complacency
- Stress/pressure from external circumstances e.g. new job or moving home
- Communication issues