We’ve all heard the terms ‘honeymoon phase,’ ‘love at first sight’ and an ‘instant connection’ and on the surface of it, these are the types of love everyone hopes for. However, as well as being elusive, these ‘whirlwind’ romances can be more complex than we first realise.
The Psychologist Dorothy Tennov, first coined the term ‘limerence’ when she published her book ‘Love and Limerence: the Experience of Being in Love’ in 1979.She used the term to describe the somewhat ‘intoxicating’ first stages of love ranging from the intense euphoria and profound sense of emotional connection to ‘the other’, to the perhaps less attractive mood swings, intrusive thoughts, over-arousal and obsessive infatuation. For Tennov, ‘limerence’ was a mental state that people were ‘in’ when they fixated romantically on another person to the point of it becoming an ‘addiction’ of sorts.
It is of course an entirely ‘normal’ and for most of us, relatable experience that we would become overly invested on the object of our desire/our ‘crush,’ however there is a difference when it comes to limerence. With limerence, our desire for the other is usually not recognised, let alone reciprocated. Yet this is more than just an ‘unrequited crush.’ Limerance brings with it uncertainty and this, coupled with it’s very intense nature means that the ‘obsessive’ thinking about the other starts to interfere with other areas of our life.
You might think that limerence is therefore quite a rare occurence. However, a survey undertaken by the Neuroscientist Dr Tom Bellamy, suggests otherwise with as many as 50-60% of the population have experienced limerence at one time or another and of those, half again have had it so badly that the addiction has ‘damaged’ their lives. There does not seem to be any prevalence amongst either sex, with both men and women equally reporting limerence, nor is there any difference according to sexuality.
However, one thing that is certain is that those with anxious attachment styles are more likely to fall into the limerent camp – in fact 79% of individuals with anxious attachment style reported having experienced limerence. Anxious attachers tend to cling to relationships based on fantasy and seek a high level of intimacy from their partners, are highly sensitive to the fear of abandonment and spend a lot of time worrying whether their relationship is secure or not. Experiencing abandonment as a child or adult can also be a pre-determinant.
We might summarise the four stages of limerence as follows: Attraction, Obsession, Elation and Frustration and Resolution.
Attraction (‘the Crush’)
- You start to ‘get to know’ your crush and share things with them
- You may feel excited/euphoric. Perhaps you find it difficult to sleep at night and/or you are constantly daydreaming about them
- Still at this early stage, you are able to remove yourself before the feelings become full blown obsessive
Obsession (or Full Infatuation)
- You’re ‘all in’ with the other person
- Attraction builds – ‘nobody else has ever understood you like they do’ but you can’t see their flaws or spot any red flags as they are ‘perfect’ to you
- You find yourself fantasising about your future with this person
- Everything feels so intense but how well do you really know them?
Elation and Frustration
- A rollercoaster of intense highs and lows
- The ‘relationship’ starts to break down and the euphoric feeling wears off
- Either your chosen one starts to pull away from you and you’re desperately trying to get them back or you’re seeing them more clearly for who they really are, not the fantasy of a person you have built up in your mind
- This might lead to feelings of anger and resentment towards them or it may lead to low self-esteem in yourself
- If there isn’t any reciprocation, now would be the time to try and move on
Resolution
- The limerence must come to a resolution. In most cases the feelings gradually fade away as the passion dies down. However, if you still have feelings but the other person doesn’t, you must accept that your feelings are not reciprocated and move on. If you both still have strong feelings and commitment to the relationship, there is the possibility that the relationship may be turned into something long term
- You may even feel relief that you can now let go, grateful for the experience that it has given you
So in conclusion, ‘limerence’ and love are not the same.
Love:
- Takes time to develop
- You get to know and love the person, ‘warts and all’
- The love gets deeper and better with time as you develop an emotional bond and trust for the other
- You feel calm and at ease in their presence
- Despite being in love, you can still think rationally
Limerence
- Sudden, instant attraction
- Compulsive, all consuming thoughts and fantasies about the other
- Blindness for red flags
- Prepared to do anything for their validation, even if it goes against your morals and what you believe in
- Letting your wellbeing depend on their reaction/attention
- Bodily reactions include anxiety, sleeplessness, not being able to eat
Limerence may turn into love but this takes reciprocated feelings from both partners and the acknowledgement that the limerence was just one phase of their developing relationship.