When children are ‘expected’ or even ‘forced’ to act as a kind of parent figure from a young age, this is sometimes referred to as ‘Parentification.’
This often comes about in households with high stress for example where parents have mental health disorders, substance abuse issues or are in the middle of a divorce.
Examples of Parentification:
- Practical – being made responsible for practical tasks such as cooking, cleaning, taking care of siblings, food shopping or even paying bills
- Emotional – being consulted on adult issues and/or looked to for dispensing of advice
- Being expected to act as a mediator between parents
- Having to take on the role of being a parents support system
How the child might experience it:
- The feeling of always bearing responsibility for siblings and/or parents and never being able to ‘switch off’
- Feeling they are constantly having to be the peacekeeper, neutralising any conflict that arises in the household
- Feeling the weight of responsibility for everyone else’s happiness – without you, the family might not survive
- The impossible expectation of always have to play the role of ‘the good child’ or ‘the responsible one’ – never being able to let go of this
- All of the above can lead to the emergence of long term health issues including anxiety, depression and low self-esteem through the feeling of being constantly overworked and burned out
What the child misses out on…
- Opportunities for childhood play and fantasy/make believe
- Age appropriate friendships with peers – instead spending most of their time with adults or being expected to ‘grow up’ and act like an adult
How this can present when the child becomes an adult:
- Issues with letting others take care of you – it is so alien a concept as this has always been your role OR
- An extreme need to feel taken care of, with no responsibilities – finally it is your turn to be looked after!
- Being the ‘caregiver’ in your relationships
- Constantly being of service to others
- Difficulty in identifying your own needs
- Finding yourself in co-dependent relationships due to the inability to set healthy boundaries
- A continuation of mental health issues such as high anxiety, depression or low self-esteem from childhood into adulthood